SMacked story: What have I done? chapter one

I can’t sleep, So tired but I can’t sleep, I can’t take this anymore have a pill, still awake, still awake, have another pill and another to make sure I get to sleep, and another to really make sure, and another and the tube is empty, I should sleep now and nice deep sleep, like a baby no make that a log, drifting off …Blackness

Beep, Beep, Beep

Screw that bloody phone, I hate it, It will be someone from work (Mac probably telling me to get over to some alley to where some poor drug addicted kid was found shot. Well I’m not getting up, I just want to sleep, so stuff off.

Beep, Beep, Beep,

Some eejit has turned the light on, even though my eyes are closed the light is shining through my eyelids, Just *** off and leave me alone, I just want five minutes.

Beep, Beep, Beep

That does it, Some ***head is going to pay,

“Oh my gosh! Guys she’s awake!” A voice yells, Opening my eyes I see Lindsay Munroe standing over me next to a man I didn’t know standing next to her,

“Ms Bonasera?” He asked,

“What?” I asked dazed, everything seemed to be white and there were tubes everywhere, “Where am I?”

“Stell, your in hospital, This is Dr Charles Sinclair,” Lindsay said quietly indicating the man next to her, Oh god there were tears in her eyes, “You had your stomach pumped.”

“What the hell?” I was confused, Everyone who had their stomach pumped was a suicidal drug addict, which I certainly was not but Lindsay had interrupted my thoughts,

“Stella, you didn’t answer your cell phone and Mac got very worried so he went round to your apartment and you still didn’t answer, he banged the door down and saw all these beer bottles strewn across your lounge room floor and he found you asleep in the bathroom and you wouldn’t wake up, he shook you, shouted at you, tried everything. That’s when he saw the empty tube of sleeping pills lying on the floor and piece of paper, I don’t know what it said, Mac won’t tell me or anyone but you. Anyway he called an ambulance and well here you are,” Lindsay said pursing her lips.

I sunk it my pillows, tears streaming down my face, This couldn’t be happening not now, not never. I wasn’t depressed, Hell anything but, I have, or is it had now, a excellent job, great friends, I had nearly everything going for me! I wanted to disappear right now, Pray that this merely a dream, “Where is Mac now?” I felt myself asking.

“He is on the way here, Poor man hasn’t slept for two days, I’ve never seen him this worked up before. We had to literally lock him in his room so that he would sleep,” Lindsay said taking a seat next to my bed.

She tried to pat my arm but I shied away from her touch. I didn’t want any one to touch me, I rolled over and stared at the white wall. I felt like a absolute prick, I closed my eyes willing the earth to open up
and swallow me for ever, It didn’t happen, why am I not surprised? Once again Lindsay interrupted my chain of thoughts,

“Well Stell, Mac will be here soon and I best be off, See you tomorrow,” And with that Lindsay hurried out of the ward.

I rolled out and watched one of the nurses talking to the woman next to me. I turned over my arm and stared at the faint scars going across my wrist, When I was 15 I had tried to commit suicide which obviously failed, if I had only known the phrase,

“Down the road, not across the street,”

I stared intensely at the scars, Memories of being caught watching the blood flow freely out of my wrist, pocket knife in hand flooded back to me. I pushed them out of my mind when I saw Mac walking over to my bed, flowers in hand. He was a mess, unshaven, with huge bags under his eyes. I hadn’t seen like this since after Clare died. I choked back a sob,

Oh God what had I done?

What have I done? Chapter two

“Hi Mac,” I said biting my lip, it was the only thing I could do to stop myself crying, He just nodded and sat down,

“Glad too see you,” He replied in a monotone,

I attempted to smile, a poor attempt I must say but he didn’t return the smile, “Your being realised from the hospital this evening, after your counselling session and your going to stay with me as I absolutely will not let you be alone. The chief has given us two weeks off at most and your lucky to still have your job after this,” Mac said still in this monotone.

“What do you mean us?” I asked curious,

“I’m taking two weeks off as well,” Mac said taking a seat, this monotone was really getting on my nerves.

“You don’t have too, I’m fine.” I said, “I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself,” I said voice rising slightly.

“Obviously you can’t, I won’t pretend I haven’t seen the scars on your arm and I won’t even ask.” Mac said. “I can see the counsellor coming, “See you later.” He walked out. He watched after him in confusion. It was like he wanted nothing to with me as if was some vile creature that he was forced to care for.

“Ms Bonasera,” said a middle age nurse standing at the end of my bed, “The counsellor is here to see you,” I sat up and looked at the woman standing next to her, she was about 50 with wavy brunette hair, a square face and kind brown eyes somewhat like a friendly puppy. She was slightly overweight and was wearing a black suit, she smiled and offered me her hand, I shook it and she took a seat, taking out a yellow notebook with a matching yellow pen with ‘Let’s be happy’ written on it, I suppressed a snort, did she really think a crummy matching yellow notebook and pen would me feel any better? Welcome to the real world.

“Hello my name is Julia Saunders,” She said and I noticed she had slight Canadian accent, “I’m here to help you.”

In my brain I rolled my eyes, I didn’t need help, I was fine, never been better except for the fact I was in hospital.

“Now, Stella firstly is there anything on your mind at the moment?” She asked in a sickly sweet voice.

“Nothing, I’m fine.” I replied in a sing-song voice,

“Obviously, that’s why you’re here,” She said smiling and scribbling something down on her notepad, Now out of everything in the world the thing I hate the most is being patronized. “Now, I want you to tell me everything that went on,”

“When dear, when? From when I was born? Or from when I tried to kill myself?” I asked mimicking her sugar coated voice, This was only responded by more scribbling on her notepad.

“From last Friday thank you,” She said smiling, She reminded me of Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter and I wondered where the pink and the kittens where?

“I went home, got drunk and had some sleeping pills,” I said shrugging, more writing, DAMN! This woman doesn’t get annoyed,

“Now, now Stella don’t make me angry, more detail,” She said as if I was a naughty school girl, she was still calm, but I certainly wasn’t,

“Look woman, I was drunk and there’s nothing wrong with me. So please leave me alone.” I yelled at her, she didn’t even flinch. She smiled and wrote something else down.

“Dear, I know this is hard but you have to come to grips with what you’ve done, Yelling at me will only make this more difficult for you, just tell me what happened so I know how to help you,” She said still calm, I sighed,

“I wasn’t feeling that great, I had to tell a woman that her brother had been murdered and there she was, with kids and husband supporting her in a time of need. All these thing’s I never had, a mother, a father, an uncle and now a husband or children. I turn forty next year, My life is slipping away like sand in someones hands and remember going and I just wanted to chill out in front of the tv with a beer and a romantic movie. I can’t remember much after that only wanting just to sleep.” I begun to break down after that, mumbling words between sobs,”I…woke…up…here…and…didn’t…know…what…I’d…done.” I burst into tears, Julia patted me on the back,

“There, There, It’s ok to cry.” She said kindly, Maybe she wasn’t so bad after all.

“Am I bad person?” I said, I childish question I know but I wanted it to be answered.

“No, not bad. Some people do silly things and what you did was silly. Stella, there is light at the end of the tunnel and don’t forget it.” Julia said looking at me, “See you later.” And she walked out of the ward. Not long after she left she was replaced with Mac and the doctor from earlier Dr. Sinclair,
“Now Stella, you aren’t to drink any alcohol for the next month and try not to have pills, Mr Taylor will be looking after you. You will be seeing a counsellor every second day for the next month, possibly longer depending how you are,” The doctor said calmly. I went and got changed into a pair of jeans and a yellow tank top, Lindsay had picked these out, made sense. Yellow =happy, but like the counsellors notebook and pen this didn’t make me feel any better

What have I done? Chapter 3

I sat in the passenger seat of Mac’s car in silence looking out the window, admiring the city intently, keeping my mind off the days events. I really wanted to talk to Mac but didn’t have the courage to talk to him, and I think he was feeling the same way. We stopped off at my apartment and I grabbed some clothes and the food that would go off in the near future and we got back in the car and begun to make the trip to Mac’s place, We were stuck in traffic that didn’t look like it was moving when Mac decided to break the silence between us,

“Why?” He said, I didn’t need know what he was asking about, I knew.

“Mac as you know well, I’m 39, I have no children, I’m not married, Hell I’m single. My life is going nowhere. I guess the combo of that and being drunk and seeing that woman with her husband and kids just about killed me. I just wanted to go home and chill out with a beer alone and wallow in self-pity, it got out of hand, and I just wanted to sleep and I knew I had sleeping pills because They helped me, after Frankie, he was always there when I went to sleep, taunting me and I just needed to sleep in peace and…” I faded away

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked looking hurt.

“Oh yes, I can picture that-Hi Mac I’m feeling really sad at the moment because I’m a spinster,” I said sarcastically,

“That’s not what I meant.” Mac said, “You could have told me you were feeling down, I could have done something, anything’s better than suicide, Every cloud has a sliver lining.” He said looking at me.

“You sound like the counsellor,” I said smiling, “You have your own problems, I don’t want you to bear mine as well,” I said without smiling,

“What was it you said? That’s what we do, we take care of each other,” Mac said raising an eyebrow. We were moving again and pulled into a car park and headed up the stairs to Mac’s apartment, I loved his new apartment, It was a old bookstore and had bookshelf’s everywhere, even in the gaps under the stairs. It reminded me of the bookshop in the movie 84 Charing Cross Road. I always felt at home at Mac’s place and he knew it. I set my bag’s down by the door and put the milk and things in the fridge before finding Mac, who was sitting in the living room, reading a newspaper, upon my entrance he looked up,

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Mac asked. Indicating his rather large DVD collection. I didn’t know why a man so obsessed with work has so many DVD’s?

“Yeah sure, What do you want to watch?” I asked.

“I have no idea,” Mac said, “You choose.”

I scanned the DVD’s, “Ok Kill Bill, Moulin Rouge or High Society?” I asked,

“Definitely Kill Bill, I won’t survive if you watch High Society, remember last time?” Mac asked, I grinned-We had watched it and for the next week and a half I had been singing, it was the same with all the other musicals.

“Pyjama’s?” I asked.

“Definitely,” We both went and got changed, Mac was in a humongous white t-shirt with ‘Don’t hassle the Hoff,” Printed on it and boxers, I was wearing a big t-shirt as well, saying ‘I love pizza’ and pyjama pant’s with dogs and the words lazy bones printed on them.

I lay on one leather couch, Mac on the other watching Uma Thurman beat the crap out of people and eating ridiculous amount’s of popcorn, there really is an insane amount of blood in this film. It finished and Mac got the DVD player to watch the second one while I ordered pizza and got some plates from the kitchen, we sat down and began the movie, the pizza’s came, and we stuffed our already popcorn filled self’s with more crap, and this was before dessert. It was like old times, we watch movies while stuffing ourselves with food before having massive home-made ice cream sundaes and then we’d spend ages talking. The sound of screaming filled my ears and I snapped back to earth to see Daryl Hannah writhing round on the floor, one eye covered by an eye patch the other underneath Uma Thurmans foot, which she stomped on. Charming.

After the movie finished, we cleared up and I begun to make my way towards the guest room when Mac interrupted me, “Not so fast partner.”

I turned around, confused, “What?”

“I’m not supposed to let you out of my sight for more then 10 minutes,” Mac said, I groaned, in all of that I had forgotten that I was under the watchful eye of Mac Taylor for the next two weeks.

“So where am I going to sleep?” I asked. Mac showed me into his room, on the floor next to his bed was a lilo, I nodded,

“Sure,” I said and I cleaned my teeth and we went to bed, I lay on the floor, underneath the duvet staring at the ceiling for awhile,

“Mac?” I asked wondering if he was still awake,

“What?” He replied grumpily,

“What did the note say?” I said,

“What note?” He asked,

“You dumbo you know what I mean.” I said,

“Oh that note,” He said knowingly. “It was pretty weird really, I guess you were as drunk as a lord,”

“Do carry on.” I said interested,

“All it said was Here lies a lonely old bugger, shot her ex and loves her boss. Adios mi amigas I can’t take this anymore!” Mac said and I think he must have fallen asleep because he didn’t talk after that but I lay staring at the ceiling for awhile, I glanced at the clock and ran full pelt into the lounge room and turned on the tv, Damn I had missed the kick-off.

“YAAYY!” I jumped up and down on the sofa when not long into the first half New Zealand had a try. I’ve been a rugby fan since I was 13 and my foster parents were mad about rugby and I was as well, they were completely wallabies fan’s but I was a avid All Black supporter and I was ready to wake up for the early morning kick-offs, even if they were, like this one a three o’ clock in the morning, and being as I was a ‘lonely old bugger’ I forgot that there was someone else in the house, someone who extremely pissed off to one-Hear me yelling at the television at an insane time in the morning and 2-for jumping all over his couches. I’m quite glad the world cup is on, I can push the recent events to the back of my mind.



What have I done? Chapter 4


I groaned as I opened my eyes and was surprised to find myself on Mac Taylor’s couch on top of Mac Taylor himself, Memories of last night came flooding back, Me jumping around and screaming at the television while Mac, unable to sleep he sat on the sofa watching the screen, one eyebrow raised, After the first 20 minutes I sat down as it was clear it was going to be a complete whitewash and I guess we must have fallen asleep. I got up and decided to have a shower. I stared at myself in the mirror, taking in the wild curls that were like an afro in their un-brushed, just woken up state and frowned and begun attacking it with a hairbrush. After it was sort of tamed I undressed and had a shower. I cleaned my teeth, tied my hair up in a wet, scruffy ponytail and put on a pair of navy sweat pants with NYPD written across the back in white and a white tank top. I came out and found Mac was still asleep. I went outside the baloney and watched the city go by, I felt like I had *** tattooed on my forehead, I was still coming to grips with the fact that I had attempted suicide, it was plain weird. I wasn’t depressed.

“Stella?” From here I could here the concern in Mac’s voice and I walked into the lounge where Mac was looking around looking worried,

“Good morning sunshine,” I said smiling, Upon seeing me Mac immediately relaxed,

“You scared me for a second there.” He said. “You been up for long?”

“About half an hour, forty-five minutes,” I said shrugging,

“I get worried Stella, I wouldn’t cope if you killed yourself now,” Mac said, I walked over and sat him down on the sofa,

“Mac, I wouldn’t do that to you.” I said softly. “On a different note, what are we going to be doing today?” I asked a bit louder, Mac smiled,


“Well we are meeting the others at eleven for brunch and then I thought us two could go swimming?” Mac said,

“Swimming?! I haven’t been to the pool in ages!” I said in mock fear,

“Now now what’s there to be afraid of?” Mac asked standing up and looking down at me somewhat like a evil teacher telling you off for not doing your homework.

“Um…stingrays?” I said shrugging and grinning.

Mac just rolled his eyes and checked the clock on the mantelpiece it was quarter past ten and we hurried to get ready, I put on a black, sleeved, scoop neck Paula Ryan top and a pair of jeans. I waited in the kitchen and read the newspaper while Mac got ready and at ten past ten we departed from his flat and were on out way to the café where we were meeting the others. The place was quite small and was called the La Bamber, the walls were covered in pictures of guitars. It was near the lab and the others were around a circular table drinking coffee and talking, they waved when they saw us and I got a lump in my throat, I felt terrible. In all of that I had forgotten how stressed they must have been. I now felt like the words *** were branded on my forehead. I just walked sliently behind Mac and sat down biting my thumb nail, Lindsay smiled at me and nudged Flack who smiled and said loudly

“Hey, Hey it’s Stella,” Flack said a little too brightly. I gave them I small smile, almost like when your meeting some people you don’t know. We sat down, I was between Mac and Lindsay, Lindsay gave my hand a squeeze.

“How are you going?” She asked quietly,

“Fine, just getting my head round everything,” I said equally quietly,

“Good,” Lindsay said and gave my hand another reassuring, friendly squeeze,

“I’m hungry,” Danny said loudly which was followed by a grunt of approval from Flack and we looked at the menu, I wasn’t that hungry so ordered a tea, I half listened to the others conversation, something about some rich guy and a hooker. I don’t really didn’t feel like talking so I sat there, giving the occasional nod or smile when needed. I could tell everyone was keeping an eye on me and it was disconcerting. Our food arrived and it turned out Mac had ordered me eggs Benedict, we sat their and ate, everyone was watching me still, a quick glance every so often. I just smiled and ate. Putting on a mask of normalness.


Chapter 5



“I haven’t been this exposed in public for ages,” I said, looking around the crowed swimming pool, it was filled with young children on one end and old ladies doing aqua aerobic classes at the other and some fit looking people doing laps in the middle. I looked sceptically at Mac and pulled my towel around me,

“Oh come on Stella, It’s not like your a blobby white marshmallow.” Mac said, “I won’t laugh…much.”

I swatted him with my arm, “Shut your face,” I took the towel off to reveal a black, strapless one piece. It had two white stripes in the middle and a random rosette like thing in the middle, but it was very elegant and even though it wasn’t cheap and I never went swimming, I had to have it…

“You out class me again,” Mac said looking me up and down, he on the other hand was wearing a pair of plain blue trunks and we headed down to the spa at the other end, We made our way to the spa at the other end, The water was lovely and warm and I sat eyes closed trying to block the noises of yelling swimming instructors, talking and children. I was just beginning to drift into my own imaginary world when Mac poked me,

“What?” I snapped,

“Don’t say what say pardon.” Mac said,

“Yes mother,” I said, “You woke me up to say that?”

“No, but I reckon you should go down the hydro slide,” Mac said looking at the stairs that went towards a big blue tunnel.

“Get real.” I said raising an eyebrow “Stella Bonasera does not do slides.” But Mac was dragging me out of pool and up the stairs, which were wet and somewhat slimy but up, up, up we went until we were at the hole, which got darker as it turned right. “Oh I am not going down there.” I said,

Mac just grinned, “You’ll have to walk down the stairs again,” I gave him the evils and I saw the green light and went down, I was feeling immature and stopped in the middle of the slide and waited, after about 10 seconds I heard someones coming and keeping my arms firmly against the slide, I let the water carry me down slowly,

“HOLY CRAP!” I heard a shout from behind me and Mac crashed into me, I suppressed a snort and we went down the slide, full pelt. At the end we landed with a bump and I felt a sharp pain in my stomach,

“Ouch,” I said standing up and my rubbing my tummy. “Still a bit sensitive,” I said. I was wondering when the painkillers would finally wear off and I would feel some pain, but it came at a rather inconsiderate moment. I winched as another sharp stab of pain rippled through my middle.

“Oh god! I’m so sorry!” Mac said putting an arm around me, “Lets go,” I nodded and we went to get changed. I met Mac back by the car and we got in the car and headed back to his place (and my home away from home.) I had a arm around my tummy. I yearned for a pain killer but I couldn’t. Doctors orders. The drive back wasn’t long and it was 2 pm when we got back. I decided to go and have a sleep and Mac let me sleep on his bed as it was more comfy than the lilo on the floor. Changing back into my track pant’s and tank top, I fell into a dreamless sleep quite quickly.


I woke up and walked sleepily into the lounge room, Mac was in the kitchen and I walked in, Mac turned around hearing my footsteps. He chucked when he saw me, My hair was wild fizz ball and stuck up in all directions. “What’s for dinner?” I asked,

“I don’t know, what appeals to your appetite?” Mac asked,

“Um...what are you having and I’ll be a mindless drone and copy.” I said,

“Pasta ok?” He asked, I nodded and smiled and got two bowls out and forks while Mac made dinner. The pain in my tummy had calmed down to a slight ache that twanged painfully whenever I bent over. We sat down in front of the tv and watched the movie Mac had picked out, It was the old classic ‘It’s a wonderful life’. Trust Mac.

It wasn’t late when the movie finished, only about nine, but I felt exhausted, and collapsed on the lilo and was asleep before my head touched the pillow.


Chapter 6



I stared at the ceiling absentmindedly. It was five thirty in the morning and I had just woken up. Mac was asleep in the bed next to me, I could just make out his shape from my lilo on the floor. I pulled the duvet cover up and carried on watching the ceiling willing it to do something other than be there above us. Alas nothing. My tummy was almost back to normal, but it still twanged rather painfully went I sat up to check the time. It was nearly six now. I got up, and stood in the hallway wondering what to do, I suddenly felt a weird obsessive desire to watch MASH, I scanned Mac’s dvd shelf and there was nothing so I logged onto the computer and went on youtube, I typed up MASH. There were a couple of episodes on but I settled with the episode C*A*V*E.. I hummed along to the theme song (suicide is painless) and thought to myself, Suicide maybe painless but attempted suicide certainly isn’t. I sat there staring at the screen of Mac’s mac. I had just finished that episode and was starting when I felt a hand on my shoulder,

“Holy Crap!” I jumped and turned around to see Mac laughing, “Shut up you!” I said poking him and rolling my eyes.

“When’s your counselling appointment?” He asked.

“9.30,” I sighed,

“Why are you saying it like it’s a bad thing?” Mac asked, smirking and raising an eyebrow.

“Because it is a bad thing! That woman could jolly well be evil itself! Dolores Umbridge cross I don’t know Stalin spring to mind!” I said in mock outrage.

“Oh…”

“Yup,” I replied and I checked the time, It was on about six and we still had 2 hours before we had to leave (and that was at the earliest.) So I decided to buy some time by having a shower, even though I did take my time in the end it didn’t take up two hours. So we decided to get dressed and go for a walk. We sat on a bench in central park and watched joggers and mothers pushing prams and so on. Mac and I looked in longing after a man and a woman and their 3 small children. Poor Mac, that could been him. We stayed there for a few more minutes before we headed back, I got changed into a pair of jeans a red wrap top. Mac was in jeans and a polo and off we went to the counsellor, this time we were meeting in her office, not a hospital bed.

The waiting room was yellow and the couch’s cushions had golliwogs, flowers and kitten embroidered on them, It made me feel sick just looking around and I took a place on a yellow couch trying not to touch the cushions. I averted my eyes from the scary cushions and looked around the room, taking in more than the yellow. There was a table with neat piles of pamplets saying things like Depression-There is light at the end of the tunnel. Mac sat next to me, I carried on with eye trek around the room and noticed there were two other people in the room opposite us, a teenage girl of about sixteen, tall, slim, her straight black hair fell across her pale face and she dressed in all black, except for the lime green laces in her knee high combat boots. Her mother was wearing a pristine black suit and with a crisp with blouse and high black Sigerson Morrison ankle boots I recognised from Barneys. Her hair was blonde (dyed) and clipped back. She smiled showing off perfect, white teeth. She was a attractive woman, and was nothing like her daughter.

“Hello,” She said in a smooth voice, I studied her face, now I looked closer, underneath the perfectly applied makeup I could see bags and stress lines., “Don’t mind my curiosity but why are you here?” She asked. I panicked. What do I say? Attempted sucicide sounded dreadful. Mac looked at me. Oh what the hell, the truth is always best,

“Attempted.” I said flatly, the woman nodded.

“Christobelle here has a history of depression, I’ve been taking her here since she was eleven.” The woman said, A history of depression? The girl hardly looked over sixteen. I was interrupted from my thoughts when Julia came out of office and smiled a nauseating smile. I smiled back and I got up, Mac soon after me. He patted me on the back and headed out the door. I followed the counsellor into her room. The walls thank God, the room itself was quite big and light. It was square shaped, a desk on was on one side, a black (yes black!) macbook was at one end of the L shaped desk, she sat my down on a hard chair while she sank back onto her wannabe leather swivel chair. She got out the trusty yellow pad and pen which this time was in the shape of a fluffy pink bird. She smiled again and asked,

“So Stella how have you been?”

“Very good thank you, and yourself?” I asked as politetly as I could considering I would rather eat dog dung then be here.

“I’m very well thank you, how’s your stomach?” she asked,

“A bit sore, nothing I can’t cope with.” I answered honestly. She smiled. I take back any good thoughts I had about her being okay, this woman is a sadistic hag.

“Now,” She said, “I dug into your past, I had no idea that you killed your ex, that was horrible.” I nodded, I didn’t want to be reminded of Frankie at the best of times and this wasn’t even the best of times. “ I read your suicide note,” I opened my mouth to say something about privacy, but she spotted, “Don’t worry, I’m hardly going to tell anyone.” She looked into my eyes and I stopped raising my eyebrow but I think she saw because she wrote something down,

“Now Ms Bonasera,” She said giving me a look that would freeze anything, yup she saw, “I have a couple of questions to ask.” I shrugged but she carried on, “But I need you to co-operate with me. You have to tell me what’s going on in your life. It’s my job to help.”

I sighed, maybe I was being impossible. “Look I have seen counsellors since I was eight and to be frank there all the same and I’m sick of them. I really fine, never been better, I’m not depressed. I do not need to see you!” By now I was practically yelling. Coming to my senses, I blushed. Julia gave me a weak smile and said simply,

“Dear, that’s why you need to see me, Sweetheart people don’t just attempt to kill themselves, they’ve got to have some reason. I know it’s hard for you, but it’s all for your own good. Act your age, I’m not going to mock you.” She said softly, I went an even deeper shade of red. I guess I was being immature (and felt like a child)


“I’ve told you, I wanted to be by myself with a drink and a movie, that’s all, I must have got carried away and I was feeling really melancholy and I guess it got the better of me.” I said bluntly.

“When was the last time you took a holiday?”

I racked my brains, “I don’t know, I went on a skiing trip with Mac to Vancouver one weekend a couple of years ago. But apart from days off here and there, not for a while.” I replied. She raised her eyebrows and wrote something down on that naustingly yellow notebook.

“When you get stressed what do you do?” She asked,

“Shop,” I replied,

“Nothing like some good retail therapy,”

“Or I work, or watch movies.” I said shrugging.

“I think you need a holiday, something away from everything.”

“Like Spain? Or Italy.” I said looking up.

“No I was thinking camping, I was talking to your friend Mr Taylor on the phone yesterday, he agrees with me, he reckons he has found the perfect spot by the river, sounds therapeutic.” She said, I was dumb struck, me camping, oh no…and that’s what I said Julia laughed and merely said,

“It’s time for you to go, I’ll call you next week to arrange a time to meet. Now goodbye. Don’t do anything silly.” And she ushered me out of the room, I text Mac to pick me up and in minutes he had arrived.

“Camping?” I said incredulously.

“It will be fun!” Mac said,

I raised my eyebrows and repressed a desire to snort, Mac could tell what I was thinking and chucked. “Come now Stell, camping’s not bad, I did it all my childhood, some of my best memories, anyway it’s not for long, four days, I’m sure you’ll live.

“I’m not sure.”

“Do you know where were going?” I asked

“Well Adam told me of a place he spend a considerable amount time camping in this lovely campsite by a river, it’s a bit off the beaten track and doesn’t have as many people.”

I nodded, “When do we leave?”

“Depends, if we get our act together then tomorrow morning.

“Stop at my place then, I can pick up clothes.”
I looked around my wardrobe and got sleeping bag, pillow, trackpants, shirts and some old pair of jeans. Not much. We left,

“Mac do you have a tent?” I asked, because I certainly didn’t,

“I do, it’s a two person tent.” Mac said,
“Good Good.” I said. On the way back we stopped at a supermarket and got basic foods. Upon arrival at Mac’s place we busied ourselves get ready and didn’t take long for us to pack. Because Mac’s place is so tidy we found everything quickly and we put everything in the car and it was only noon, We settled down on the couch with our lunch of toasted sandwichses. After lunch we pottered around Mac’s apartment tidying up but that didn’t take long, He put’s the mac in immaculate. So we made popcorn watched High Society (One of out favourites) and we both sung along to the songs. It was still early and we watched Lord of the Rings no.3 as it was our favourite. I got bored half way through and lay on the bed listening to the Fray. I was sort of looking forward to tomorrow, I got up and made a stir-fry for dinner and retired (to bed) early, it was a early start so I wanted to be wide awake, but when I got to bed I wasn’t tired so I stared at the ceiling until I slept.


Chapter 7


I’m currently sitting on a rock that juts out onto a river, the most beautiful river I’ve ever seen. It’s not that wide, I could easily swim across, But being as I was planning to go for a swim (and therefore am in my togs) but I put my toe in and realised it was like the bloody arctic I changed my mind and carried on watching the river flow past me. It was about 5 pm, I had been awake for 11 hours. A nice bright 6am start with a 7.30 departure and a 5 hour drive. That was pretty uneventful actually it was completely uneventful. But all that was forgotten when we arrived at the campsite. It was stunning. Based on the side of the river, it had a small pine forest with a bike path in it. It was owned by a woman in her late fifties called Margaret (Marg) Larner. She was lovely and remembered Adam well, saying he had this amazing ability to get muddy in record time. Note to self-Talk to dear Mr Ross at a later date. Mac right now was lying in the tent reading his horribly depressing and disturbing book Rage by Jonathan Kellerman, I had read it, it was very good but freaky. The tent itself was small and cramped, just bigger than a double bed. Well on the bright side I was with Mac, rather than Danny. I carried on staring at the river trying to see if I could see a fish, but I couldn’t probably the boy’s on the rope swing near by scared them away. I closed my eyes and listened to the birds in the trees and fast flowing water.

“Hello.” A voice said close to me, I looked to my left in the direction of the sound and saw Mac sitting next to me, I smiled,

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” I said looking out over the water.

“Stunning.” Mac replied following my gaze. We sat in silence for awhile watching the world go by, Mac broke the silence,

“Want to go for a swim?” He asked,

“It’s cold.” I said honestly but followed him over to the swing a few metres away. The boy’s had gone by now.

“Ladies first.” Mac said offering me the swing.

“Oh I couldn’t you must go first.” I said shaking my head.

“Wimp,” I he said and got ready to swing, but I grabbed it,

“Nobody calls me a wimp and get’s away with it,” I said and swung in, my feet brushed the water, fuuuuuck it was cold and that was a understatement. I clung to the swing for dear life not letting go and frowning as Mac took a picture. But my arms soon gave out and I fell into the refreshing freezing water. It wasn’t as cold as I thought once I came in, but that didn’t say much. I resurfaced and smiled,

“Not that cold actually.” Thank goodness Mac couldn’t see my legs, they were dotted with goose bumps. Mac merely brought the swing over to him and with expert timing hurled himself off at the furthest point of the swing flying into the water. He came up cursing and swum towards me, I went underwater but Mac grabbed me and picked me up. I looked in his eyes and something odd happened, we just gazed into each others eyes. It was as if time had stopped for a moment and we were in this trance. I snapped out of it first and Mac dropped me back into the river. We swum around each other for awhile, both reliving our childhoods. But not for long, it had begun to get colder as evening kicked in and the mosquitoes were in full force. We headed back and had a shower and got changed. I coated myself in aero guard and headed back, we decided to check out the little restaurant there. We took a look at the menu, it wasn’t a wide range but the food looked and sounded good so we took a table nearest the river.

“What do you want?” I grumpy sounding voice, I looked towards the source and saw a girl of about 13-14 standing there, notepad ready. She had an sulky look on her face. I smiled and looked at the menu. Mac and I decided to share a pizza (pepperoni and olive) normally we would have ordered wine as well, but I was following the Doctors orders (sigh)

“It’s lovely here.” I said looking around.

“Mhmm,” Came the reply.

“What are we going to do while were here?” I asked,

“Well, your probably going to kill me but while you were sitting on that rock, I booked a horse trek.” Mac said, I smiled I hadn’t rode a horse since I was in France and that was a good seven, eight years ago.

“Why would I kill you? I love horses.” I said laughing.

“Oh yes! I remember you going riding in France.” Mac said nodding.

“Beautiful place France.” I said also nodding.

The pizza’s arrived and we sat eating. They were very nice, I hate to think of the fat content. I saw Marg coming over and I complemented her on her cooking,

“Thank you.” She said smiling. “I just came over to tell you about movies at midnight” I nodded in interest, and she carried on, "Well we have a outside project screen and depending on the amount of people. And today we have a relatively good amount of people staying here so we are showing a film out doors. Tonight is Snakes on a plane. It starts at 7.30pm just over there.” She indicated a open area. We nodded. “Well bring your own chairs and probably sleeping bags as well as it’s prone to getting a bit chilly.”

“We’ll be there.” Mac said. Marg smiled and walked off.

“Snakes on a plane?” I said raising my eyebrow

“Samuel. L. Jackson.” Mac replied

“Whatever…”

“That’s really mature Stell, really mature.”

“Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional,” I replied. Mac chuckled. We finished the food and paid for it and we headed back to the tent. It was about 7pm and we read for a few minutes, Mac, his Jonathan Kellerman book. Me-Last Chance Saloon by Marion Keyes, I love Marian Keyes. She’s so funny! We didn’t read for that long and at 20 past we gathered up chairs and sleeping bags and headed over to were Marg had pointed out. We weren’t the only ones there. Already there was a couple we had seen earlier and Marg and her husband John and the sulky girl who if possible looked even sulkier. We set up our chairs towards the front and sat down. We were joined by a few more people and the movie started. It wasn’t great. Just some snakes on a plane (who’d have guessed?) I got bored and headed back to the tent just after the little dog was eaten by that massive snake. I got ready for bed. I must have fallen asleep quite quickly as I didn’t hear Mac come in.


Chapter eight

Light streamed through the top of the tent. I groaned and my opened my eyes blurrily. My vision slid into focus I heard another groan next to me and I sat up. Mac was blinking sleepily next to me.

“What’s the time?” I asked. Mac rolled over and checked his watch, “Half seven.” I sighed and poked my head out the tent, it was quite light, so I got up and ferreted my bag for some clothes. Before heading over to the showers which were free unlike some campsites I remembered, which was pretty good considering I had no change on me. The water took awhile to heat up, but when it warmed up the water was still lukewarm, I washed my hair and headed back after getting changed into suitable clothes for today, Jeans and a tank top and trainers, I came back and Mac was reading,

“Wow you’ve done a lot.” I said shaking my head and smiling,

“Hmmm” Mac replied, not taking his gaze off the book. I rolled my eyes and left the tent. I went back to my place on the rock and watched the early morning water flow past. I stayed there for a few minutes until my stomach got the better of me and headed back. There I set up the gas cooker and made spaghetti and some toast. Mac came back from having a shower and we had breakfast. Surprisingly the food was pretty good, if I do say so myself. We sat there and ate in silence. After finishing breakfast Mac went and cleaned up. I tidied everything up and waited in the tent making the bed, fully aware that my ass was probably sticking out of the tent, It was massive at the moment. I swear over the last few days I had gained a couple of kilos, all that junk food and no exercise. I may as well slap it all on my hips as that’s were it’s gonna end up.

“Excuse me,” Mac said from outside, I turned around. Mac was towering over me, towel in one hand, pyjamas in the other. He was wearing a navy Ralph Lauren polo and a pair of jeans and trainers.

“Sorry.” I said getting out of the tent. My tummy had stopped hurting now and I now could stand up without the slightest bit of pain. I straighted up and waited outside while Mac put his things away. While I was in the shower he had constructed a makeshift washing line between two trees and I hung our towels on it.

“Let’s go,” Mac said


“But we’ll be arrive at the horse trek place really early.” I said looking at my watch, it after all was only 9.00.

“It takes a good forty five minutes to get there and I’m not completely sure where we are going…” Mac said,

“All right. Come on.” I interrupted and we got in the car and off we went,

“This is going to be awesome!” I said to Mac,
“I haven’t ridden in years.”

“Me too. When did you last ride?”

“Australia, I think. I remember riding with Clare on a huge beach.” Mac said smiling to himself. I lightly bit , my bottom lip wondering what to say, It was one of those awkward moments. Then I remembered something,

“You lie!” I said in mock outrage,

“What?” Mac asked,

“Remember, You rode that ex-mounted police horse at that NYPD mounted police officer pony rides day.”

“I still can’t believe you made me do that,” Mac said shaking his head. I smiled smugly.

“I think Danny still has the pictures,” I said laughing,

“Remind me, Why did I do that?” He asked,

“You lost a bet with me,” I replied “Wasn’t it at the team karoke night on Adams sing star game. I knew I could a higher score than you singing Scissor Sisters.”

“So instead of money you choose embarrassing me, You’re a cruel, cruel woman Stella Bonasera” Mac said chuckling,


“It was so funny seeing you next to all the toddlers.” I said laughing, “Classic,”

“I’m glad you didn’t kill yourself Stell,” Mac said, “I don’t know what I would have done,”

I nodded and smiled weakly, I felt awful. We sat there in slience for awhile, Mac put on a R.E.M. cd, We sat there in silence, I stared out of the window biting my lower lip to stop me crying,

“Sorry I shouldn’t have said anything…” Mac began

“No I’m sorry,” My eyes were like flood gates and they overflowed with tears, “I’m…so…selfish,” Mac pulled over and gave me a hug,

“Shhhhh, Your not selfish,” He said rocking me gently, “Do you want to go back?” He asked, I shook my head

“I want to go riding,” I said, “I’ve been looking forward to it all day,” I wiped my eyes. Mac drove on.

We arrived at the trekking centre, It was a pen with some healthy looking horses all tacked up. A man in jeans and a checked shirt was talking to other people who looked like tourists; He turned around after hearing our car,

“Hello, John Walker here,” He said after we had got out of the car. We shook hands and were lead over to the other two couples,

“That’s the last of us, Right let’s going, now remember no hooning off, just sit up straight and try to keep your heels down. If anything does happen, which it won’t, just try and hold on,” He said smiling and handing out helmets. A few minutes later we all had helmets on and he led us over to the horses, I was put on a bay called Harrison, Mac on a dapple gray called Drum. John mounted his horse, a pinto who I think was called Chino and off we all went. A few minutes in we were joined by another couple of instructors, A skinny woman and her daughter, who was about nineteen. A plump woman with a round face and short brown hair,

“Hello,” She said, I could immediately tell she was British, I reckoned she was from somewhere in Yorkshire judging from her accent. “I’m Helen McKinley,”

“Stella Bonasera,” I replied,

We chatted for awhile, She was from Yorkshire but lived in NYC because of the fact that her husband Barry had a job change. The skinny lady rode up next to us,

“You’ve got a nice seat,” She said nodding looking me up and down,

“Um…Thanks” I replied, suddenly very conscious of my overlarge ass.

“No not in that way, I mean you ride nicely, a natural,” She said chuckling, “I’m Fiona Walker, that’s my daughter Tara” She indicated the teenager who was riding next to Mac and Barry. We rode on for awhile on their farm. It was so relaxing and I was really getting into the swing of things, when a dog came out of the bushes we were riding by, he snapped at Harrisons legs, I wasn’t sure what was happening as suddenly he bolted. I clung to the mane increasing aware that my feet were out of the stirrups. Next thing I knew I was on the ground, with Harrison cantering away, I saw Tara riding after him and grabbing him. Mac and Fiona and John had hopped off, Mac automaticly came over,

“Stella! Are you okay?” He asked,

“Can you move your arms? Does anything feel broken” Fiona asked at the same time,

“I’m gonna kill that f****** dog some day! ” John yelled,

“I’m fine?” I said loudly getting up. I remembered from my horse loving days as a youngster (reading all the horse books from the library) that if you fall off get straight back on. So I did, My bottom and legs were a bit sore and the familiar ache fro my stomach had come back. Of the all the things I had done, I had never fallen off a horse. Harrison was a bit unsettled at first but soon was fine again.
I rode next to Mac,

“You okay?” He asked softly,

“A bit sore, but nothing that bad.” I replied,

“Tummy?”

“Yeah”

He nodded, Fiona came up next to me,

“Sorry that was the neighbours dog. Let’s say we’ve had some problems with it the last wee while. But it’s never caused anyone to fall off. I have a bone to pick with them.”

We rode up to the top of a hill, The view was stunning. I realised that I actually hadn’t missed the city at all. Maybe the counsellor was right, I just needed some space. Mac too. We headed back via a waterfall, it was very peaceful just us, the horses, trees and a bird call here and there.

We took a detour on the way home to a tourist village. We took a look around for somewhere for lunch before settling on a small Italian restaurant, except for some gossiping middle age women sharing a pizza. I got a glass of water for both of us and sat back down,

“This is nice.” Mac said looking around.

“Yeah, it is nice.” I said sighing contently.

“How you feeling?” Mac asked,

“Hungry,” I replied, Mac raised his eyebrow, “Okay, I’m a bit sore but nothing time won’t heal.” Mac nodded and smiled.

“So how’s the team going?” I asked,

“Good and bad, My replacement according to Danny is fat, balding and middle aged…”

“No difference then,” I said, Mac rolled his eyes and carried on,

“He’s very good but boring. And your replacement is apparently a real character, She’s quite young, Danny’s age. She knows Danny from High School, they used to go out.”

“Lindsay is jealous?” I asked,

“Seems like it. According to Don she’s a laugh. He said think Abbey from NCIS except swears heaps and a lot more colourful.” Mac replied. I laughed.
“Does she sound like a keeper? Because it would be useful having an extra pair of hands.”

“Yeah I think she does, But this isn’t about work.” Mac changed the subject, “ What are you going to order?”

“Well, I think I’m leaning towards the Caesar Salad. Got to get back into healthy eating.”

“Your not fat.” Mac replied. I rolled my eyes. A waitress came up and took our order, Mac ordered a pizza of some description and me a salad. We chatted for awhile, about nothing in particular. The food arrived and we ate. The food was extremely nice. We finished and paid. On the way back it started to rain, It was just drizzle but as we reached the camp site it poured down. All I can say is thank God the tent doesn’t leak. The rain didn’t look like it was going to stop for awhile. Mac lay down on his side hands behind his head staring at the roof of the tent. I was suddenly struck by an idea.

“Do you want to play truth or dare?” I asked,

Chapter nine

“Truth or dare?” Mac said, eyebrow raised.

“Yeah, c’mon Mac, It will be fun!” I answered nudging him.

“But isn’t truth or dare for thirteen year old girls at slumber parties?” Mac asked.

“No necessarily,” I replied. “Anyway we’ll skip the dare part as I’m not going outside and there aren’t many dares we can do in a tent.”

“Okay.”

“You start, Just ask me anything, I’ll answer it honestly,” I said nodding,

“Right um…What school did you go to?” Mac asked,

“Mac you know the answer to that. Ask random things. I’ll start. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done on your on own free will?”

“Probably moon someone.” Mac said, I choked,

“Your kidding.” I laughed, who knew this side of Mac Taylor,

“I’m not, My turn. If you had 24 hours to live what would you do?”

“Oooh, I’d slap Sinclair really hard for you. I’d also probably also tell everybody I know exactly what I think of them.” I replied, “I’d tell Flack he looks like Harry Potter and yeah,”

“That would be funny,” Mac replied chuckling.

“Right, What’s the strangest dream you’ve ever had?” I asked.

“Probably when I dreamt I found Danny and Flack kissing in the showers.” Mac said going slightly red,

“Oh God! Eww! That’s disturbing! Bad mental images!” I said disgusted, But kind of impressed at the same time, I mean I always knew that every man has his gay side but Mac dreaming about Danny and Flack…

“Fine then Stella, what’s the weirdest dream you’ve had?” He said,

Shit, Well now I think about I’ve had some pretty strange dreams, and a hell of a lot containing a nekkid Mac. But I’ll play it safe, “The day everyone had to bounce around on pogo sticks.” I said shrugging.

“First job that wasn’t like a paper round?” I asked,


“I picked up dog poop and mowed the lawns at a dog training centre.” Mac said laughing,

“Hence where you know so much about dogs.” I replied smiling,


Mac nodded, “What’s the most expensive item in your wardrobe?”

“Oh God. Right I can’t lie, a $2000 pair of shoes.”

Mac raised his eyebrows, “I didn’t think you were the type to spend that much on shoes.”

“Yeah well, their perfect. Their Louis Vuitton and just look incredible.”

“Have you ever worn them?”

“Heck no! I mean it would be a crime to wear those outside their so gorgeous. I’m just waiting for the right opportunity. Anyway you’ve asked two questions now!”

“I apologise” Mac said hanging his head in mock shame.

“What’s your biggest regret?” I asked,

Mac bit his lip hesitantly, “For not taking you back to my apartment after the incident with Frankie. I was a terrible friend.” Mac said looking nervous and a bit ashamed.

I blinked, I had no idea Mac had felt like this, I was about to reply when he carried on,


“I’ve had more than friendly feelings towards you for a long time. I just wish I had helped you more after the whole Frankie thing, hell you probably didn’t want to be alone after that. God it’s probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life.”

“It’s okay Mac, I never thought of it that way.” I said, Mac leaned towards me and our lips were just about to meet.

“I can’t do this.” I said before fleeing the tent.

I ran underneath the trees, it was still pouring down, but the trees made a good canopy. I sat on a tree root head my hands, mind racing. I had waited so long for a moment like back then, but when the situation arose it wasn’t right, but if that was our only chance at a relationship I just blew it? Oh shit life’s complicated.

“Stella!” Mac’s voice penetrated my line of thought and I came back to reality (that I was sitting on a tree root.)

“Yes Mac?” I called back and in a few moments he appeared.

“There you are, You okay?”

I paused, wondering what to say. Thankfully the answer came easily.

“Mac can we talk? Take a root,” I said patting the spot next to me which Mac un-vacated. I took a deep breath a began,

“Mac, I’ve been waiting for a moment like this for a long time now. But now it appears and I’m just not ready mentally. I’d love to get in a relationship with you but I don’t think I want to throw away our friendship like this.”

Mac nodded, I carried on, “What I mean is, I you as a friend right now. Not my boss or anything else. You’re the only person who I completely trust and I don’t want to ruin that.”

By now tears were streaming down my face. Mac put his arms around me and rocked me ever so gently.

“Shhhh. Don’t cry.” Mac said, quietly wiping the tears off my cheeks. “Stell, I’ll always be here for you. If you want to take our friendship to the next level. You can, I’m not going to push you. You just say the word when your ready.”

The rain had stopped and we headed back for dinner, which was light as we weren’t that hungry. Both of us were quite tired as we had a big day, both physically and mentally so we got read for bed soon afterwards. We lay on our lilo’s looking at the roof of the tent. Not saying much. Mac fell asleep not long and not long after I slipped into a restless sleep.
“Truth or dare?” Mac said, eyebrow raised.

“Yeah, c’mon Mac, It will be fun!” I answered nudging him.

“But isn’t truth or dare for thirteen year old girls at slumber parties?” Mac asked.

“No necessarily,” I replied. “Anyway we’ll skip the dare part as I’m not going outside and there aren’t many dares we can do in a tent.”

“Okay.”

“You start, Just ask me anything, I’ll answer it honestly,” I said nodding,

“Right um…What school did you go to?” Mac asked,

“Mac you know the answer to that. Ask random things. I’ll start. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done on your on own free will?”

“Probably moon someone.” Mac said, I choked,

“Your kidding.” I laughed, who knew this side of Mac Taylor,

“I’m not, My turn. If you had 24 hours to live what would you do?”

“Oooh, I’d slap Sinclair really hard for you. I’d also probably also tell everybody I know exactly what I think of them.” I replied, “I’d tell Flack he looks like Harry Potter and yeah,”

“That would be funny,” Mac replied chuckling.

“Right, What’s the strangest dream you’ve ever had?” I asked.

“Probably when I dreamt I found Danny and Flack kissing in the showers.” Mac said going slightly red,

“Oh God! Eww! That’s disturbing! Bad mental images!” I said disgusted, But kind of impressed at the same time, I mean I always knew that every man has his gay side but Mac dreaming about Danny and Flack…

“Fine then Stella, what’s the weirdest dream you’ve had?” He said,

Shit, Well now I think about I’ve had some pretty strange dreams, and a hell of a lot containing a nekkid Mac. But I’ll play it safe, “The day everyone had to bounce around on pogo sticks.” I said shrugging.

“First job that wasn’t like a paper round?” I asked,


“I picked up dog poop and mowed the lawns at a dog training centre.” Mac said laughing,

“Hence where you know so much about dogs.” I replied smiling,


Mac nodded, “What’s the most expensive item in your wardrobe?”

“Oh God. Right I can’t lie, a $2000 pair of shoes.”

Mac raised his eyebrows, “I didn’t think you were the type to spend that much on shoes.”

“Yeah well, their perfect. Their Louis Vuitton and just look incredible.”

“Have you ever worn them?”

“Heck no! I mean it would be a crime to wear those outside their so gorgeous. I’m just waiting for the right opportunity. Anyway you’ve asked two questions now!”

“I apologise” Mac said hanging his head in mock shame.

“What’s your biggest regret?” I asked,

Mac bit his lip hesitantly, “For not taking you back to my apartment after the incident with Frankie. I was a terrible friend.” Mac said looking nervous and a bit ashamed.

I blinked, I had no idea Mac had felt like this, I was about to reply when he carried on,


“I’ve had more than friendly feelings towards you for a long time. I just wish I had helped you more after the whole Frankie thing, hell you probably didn’t want to be alone after that. God it’s probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life.”

“It’s okay Mac, I never thought of it that way.” I said, Mac leaned towards me and our lips were just about to meet.

“I can’t do this.” I said before fleeing the tent.

I ran underneath the trees, it was still pouring down, but the trees made a good canopy. I sat on a tree root head my hands, mind racing. I had waited so long for a moment like back then, but when the situation arose it wasn’t right, but if that was our only chance at a relationship I just blew it? Oh shit life’s complicated.

“Stella!” Mac’s voice penetrated my line of thought and I came back to reality (that I was sitting on a tree root.)

“Yes Mac?” I called back and in a few moments he appeared.

“There you are, You okay?”

I paused, wondering what to say. Thankfully the answer came easily.

“Mac can we talk? Take a root,” I said patting the spot next to me which Mac un-vacated. I took a deep breath a began,

“Mac, I’ve been waiting for a moment like this for a long time now. But now it appears and I’m just not ready mentally. I’d love to get in a relationship with you but I don’t think I want to throw away our friendship like this.”

Mac nodded, I carried on, “What I mean is, I you as a friend right now. Not my boss or anything else. You’re the only person who I completely trust and I don’t want to ruin that.”

By now tears were streaming down my face. Mac put his arms around me and rocked me ever so gently.

“Shhhh. Don’t cry.” Mac said, quietly wiping the tears off my cheeks. “Stell, I’ll always be here for you. If you want to take our friendship to the next level. You can, I’m not going to push you. You just say the word when your ready.”

The rain had stopped and we headed back for dinner, which was light as we weren’t that hungry. Both of us were quite tired as we had a big day, both physically and mentally so we got read for bed soon afterwards. We lay on our lilo’s looking at the roof of the tent. Not saying much. Mac fell asleep not long and not long after I slipped into a restless sleep.


Chapter 10

I could see something through all the blackness that surrounded me, I was beginning to make out a shape, it looked like...a giraffes head and neck. What I giraffes head is doing her beats me? I moved closer and it began to look more like...ooh what was it though...That's it! A palm tree! But what in the name of all things holy was a palm tree doing in the middle of all this blackness? I walked towards it and stumbled on something invisible, suddenly I could see the tree any more and was falling...falling...falling
I woke up with a start. My t-shirt was drenched in a cold sweat, I looked around, it was pretty dark but I could make out the sleeping form of Mac and the contents of the small tent. I checked the time on my phone 4.30. Damn. It would be at least another hour and a half until Mac wakes up. I needed to somebody to talk to, but I didn't know what about or why. I held on the thought and I got a towel and a fresh t-shirt (Pink Floyd) and I headed over to the shower. I was pretty certain there would hot water considering I was probably the first person the camp site awake. I got under the flow of the shower, I was right the water was nice and hot. I thought about what I wanted to talk about and I was putting my conditioner in when it came to me. I quickly got the conditioner out and scrambled into my clothes, I ran back to the tent and got my cellphone,
“Hello?” Danny's groggy voice filled the receiver,

“Hi Danny,” I replied, feeling bad that I had woken him. But he was up now.
“Hey, Stell. You okay?” I noted the concern in his voice,

“Mmm yeah, I just needed someone to talk to and well yeah.”

“Touched Stella. So what do you want to talk about?”
“I dunno. How's the lab's going?”

“It's been pretty quite. Barely anyone is getting killed these days and to be honest I dunno if that's a good thing. Cuz I'm just sitting on my ass all day. I guess I am getting paid. It's damn boring here. How's camping?”

“Good...interesting.” I needed to change the subject for now, until I figured out how to work out how to say what I needed to say. “What's our replacement's like?”

“Well...Rick Hyde, Mac's replacement is a textbook cop. He's good but he's so damn boring.”

“And my replacement?”

“Allegra's great, She's just fabulous. Just like she always was.”

“And that was/is?”

“Well she's a bundle of fun. Great at her job, not as good as you but she is younger, no offense. Allie was always a laugh and still is. Swears like mad. She's just great,”

I smiled, Danny was really smitten by her. “How do you know her?”

“I've known her since kindergarten. We lived on the same street, Our mothers are like best friends. Anyway we out in college but kinda drifted apart. She's been working in Texas for awhile. God Stella we have to hire her.”

“Yeah, I'm not sure. Mac's choice...” I drifted off thinking about Mac.

“Stell are you sure your okay?”

“Yeah...i guess. I just needed to talk to somebody.”

“What about Mac?”

“Danny, What I'm going to tell you, you must NOT tell anyone. Not Flack. Not Lindsay and definitely not Adam. No one,”
“Okay...I won't tell.” Danny replied. I filled him in on the details of last night. The line was silent.

“Danny?” I asked, maybe I freaked out the younger man. But oh no...

“I'm the first to know this?”

“Except for Mac and I yeah...”

“Wicked.”

“Huh?”

“Well I always seem to be the last to know this kinda thing.”

“Nope, your the first.”

“Boom!”I laughed, “Stell, that's great your finally moving on from Frankie!”

“Thanks Danny.” I said, On the other side of the phone I heard a pager go off.

“Damn Stella it's a homocide, gotta go fight some.”

“Okay then, bye Danny.”

“Hang on, this weekend we are having a poker night. My apartment, Saturday 5pm. Talk more when you get back.”

“Cool, well see you then.”

“Okay, see you Stella.”
“Bye”

I hung up and moved to the swing on the playground. The playground was quite old and mangy looking and covered in graffiti, and the swing was the safest and nicest looking item. I swung for awhile, the rain cloud's from the night before had cleared and I was bathed in moonlight and starlight. My wet hair dripping down my t-shirt.

“I really do have the best friends in the world.” I said to myself. Danny despite his rough upbringing was such a sweetie as was Adam. Lindsay was so nice. Hawkes was just a dear. Flack's heart was made of complete gold, Sid was so nice and made everyone laugh. And Mac...he was Mac. My tower, my backbone, my light in the storm. I thought back to last night. I wanted a more than friends relationship with this man so much. But sadly reality was as co-workers it was forbidden. And also I was a post-suicidal spinster.
If we really wanted this to work then one of us would have to change jobs, that sure as hell would not be me. Career first and I love my job.

“Um...hello Stella” I said to myself again. That's how you got yourself into this mess. You always put career first. So you have nobody to blame but yourself. If you want a family your going to have to change.

“Stell?” Mac's voice interrupted my chain of thoughts.

“Yeah?” I replied, looking up. He looked worried.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine, I just couldn't sleep.” I said shrugging. Argh you liar Stella.

“Why?” Mac asked,

“Bad dream.” I admitted. I guess this was the truth.

“Frankie?” Mac asked again. I shuddered hearing the name.

“No, thank God. Just falling through emptiness.”

“Okay then. Do you want to come back to the tent?”

“Yeah. Sure. It's getting cold.” My wet hair had dampened my shirt and I was cold.

When we returned to the tent I wrapped my hair in a towel and sat down on the lilo. I lay next to Mac and we stared at the roof of the tent.

“Um...Mac.” I better ask now. It was a opportune moment.

“Yes.”

I paused. Trying Arranging my words. Screw it. “Oh hell, I'm not going to beat around the bush. I would to be in a more-than-friends relationship with you, I really love to. But dammit your my boss. It's against all regulations. This isn't a soap opera. It won't be tolerated.” I opened my mouth but Mac pressed a finger to my lips.

“Stella, you know I'm not going to push you. It's all sorted. I'm changing jobs. I've been given an offer working on a forensics course and New York university. I've accepted and handed in my notice. I wouldn't do this unless I was sure.”

“Your leaving?” I asked, slightly hurt he hadn't told me.

“Yeah, In three months.”

“But...but who will replace you?”

“I'm looking at her.” Mac said and grinned.

“Me!” I hugged Mac only I didn't let go. I lay there my arms around him, Mac put an arm around me. A tear ran down my face, followed by another then another. Next thing I knew I was sobbing into Mac's chest. It was the first time I had really cried.

“Cry all you want.” Mac said gently patting my back, he rocked me gently like he would a baby.

“I can't take over from you...I would be crap...I'm recovering from a fucking suicide attempt that was my fucking fault....I don't deserve a promotion....I'm...a...terrible...leader....”

“Shhh, deep breaths, deep breaths.” Mac whispered. I closed my eyes and I went to sleep.

TBC....


So feelings have been revealed...But i'm not bringing in the romance yet. I'm trying to keep it relatively in character (except for the whole suicide thing)